I know I know

What did you expect? That I'd be able to keep on posting? Every day or three? Forever? I'm no Pete Lloyd. I just don't have enough songs in the bank for that sort of endeavor.

Are any of you on Facebook? I guess some of you probably are. If we're friends on there, then you can pretty well guess that I have a hard time taking social networking sites seriously. Taylor knows it as well as anyone.

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you my latest adventures in abbreviated humor.  I've been doing birthday wishes, Ben-style.  That last part is meant to be pronounced with  attitude.  BEN-STYLE.  Yes, anyway - the first one was for Meredith.  I posted this on her Facebook wall because Facebook told me it was her birthday, but I was just getting my feet wet.  The Facebook wall became my canvas, and bizarre scenarios became my paint, and I was painting with a brush made out of happiness.  Here's number 1.  She's a vet student; I figured I'd keep it topical.

On this day, many thousands of years ago, the world was blighted with a terrible curse. Unspeakable horrors have since plagued this planet, causing untold destruction and suffering. Then, roughly twenty five years ago, MEREDITH V. ADAMS arrived. Armed with incredible super powers and a better than average IQ, as well as VETERINARY SKILLS, she has endeavored to rescue our ailing planet from the forces of evil. Stay tuned and watch as MEREDITH V. ADAMS battles tyranny and VARIOUS ANIMAL SICKNESSES this week on... Meredith's Birthday.

 

Yeah, I know what you're thinking.  Not all that great, right?  Well, I figured I could do better with my next one, now that I had a rough goal in mind: to make your Facebook wall worth reading on your birthday.   All those boring people going "happy bday, bro."  Ugh.  I wanted to make it more epic and fantastical.  So I threw this next one at Dan.

 

One day each year, three things take place in very rapid succession. 1) At exactly 7:05 a.m., the sun rises; 2) At exactly 7:12 a.m., Daniel Dickson puts on his coat and steps outside to mass euphonious adulation and uproarious cheering; and 3) Daniel Dickson removes his jewel-encrusted ermine shawl, points his scepter at the newly risen sun, and allows life on earth to continue for one more year. Praise be to Daniel this day.

Getting better, yeah?   Well, the next birthday was Ted's.  Ted is the sort of guy that I know, but I don't really know.  So maybe a more cautious approach?  NO.

 

Ted, I'll be honest. There's a rumor afloat that you were actually born today, 65 years ago. According to my most trusted sources, you somehow unearthed an ancient legendary art that prolongs the youth of its practitioners, effectively tripling or even quadrupling lifespans. Ted, you must SHARE WITH US YOUR SECRET TECHNIQUES. There are whispers about that the arcane practice involves employing UNBUTTONED BLAZER JACKETS and the COMPLETE ABSTINENCE FROM TRADITIONAL NECKWEAR, as well as METICULOUS MAINTENANCE AND FERTILIZATION OF THE CHEST HAIR FOLLICLES. This is a matter of urgent importance, Ted, as there are many who would use your life-extending practices to improve the planet for generations to come. Some day, with your help, we will stand proudly, overlooking our peaceful and prosperous new civilization and, with our chest hairs dancing lightly in the breeze, we will thank Ted Brassfield. 

I'm not sure what Ted's real friends made of this "birthday wish."  I haven't seen Ted in a couple years, so I hope he appreciates the spirit in which that mini-masterpiece was written.  I'd like to keep writing these when the mood strikes me.  If your birthday is coming up, just let me know and I'll see what I can come up with - it's cheaper than jewelry and better than some Hallmark cards (not really).  Here's my most recent, which I posted yesterday on Perrine's wall:   

Hey Perrine! Welcome to being twenty-three! You know, recent research has revealed a lot about what our bodies go through as we age. Specifically, and I don't know if this is true in your case, but my childish and oversized feet have already begun the slow process of shrinking down toward my eventual adult hoofs. I...'m sure you've noticed your spine curving forward as your front limbs grow less and less dexterous, paving the way for your quadripedal later years. You know you're really getting old when your thumbs begin to reposition onto your forearms and slough off, am I right! Anyway, you won't have to think about that for at least another few months. In the meantime, enjoy the taste of meat while you still can (it no longer holds much pleasure for me, though I still eat it occasionally), use those toes while you still have 'em, and have a safe and happy birthday :)

 

Well that's all I have for now.  What's new with you guys?