Wrong Number

I had a guy call in today with a wrong number. I've attempted to transcribe it below. In real life it was a little shorter than this, but this is how I wish it had gone.

Ring!

Hello?

Hello, is Rose there?

And what's your name?

I'm Anthony, is Rose around?

I'm sorry, Anthony, she isn't. And I'm sure you must have suspected when I answered just now, just by the sound of my voice, that you had dialed the wrong number. But you forged on ahead anyway. That's one of the things I like about you, Anthony: you're a go-getter. You knew the likelihood of success wasn't high, but you took a chance. So what if it didn't pay off? Maybe the next number you dial will be Rose's, and maybe Rose will tell you she's ready to leave her husband and marry you. Isn't she worth the pain of a brief and bewildering monologue from a stranger?

What? I think I'm going to hang up now...

That's the way to take charge, Antonio. You sound like a strong-willed sort of person. Like that lion from those Narnia movies. I can tell from the commanding tone in your voice that you know what you want and you're going to get it. And by God if it means looking up Rose's number in the phone book, then that's just exactly what you'll have to do! You've no time to waste wondering if maybe Rose gave you the wrong number on purpose, hoping you'd never call and find out. It's entirely possible that she knew that changing just one tiny digit would direct your call to Murphy's Downtown Pub and Eatery, but that's not the kind of world you're living in, Andy. You're in it to win it.

O-okay...?

And what's more, I'm starting to think that at this point Rhonda doesn't even deserve you. I mean, Goddammit, Tony, haven't you worked hard? Haven't you stayed up working the night shift just to be able to afford what I'm assuming is a long-distance call? Where does anyone get off telling you that you have to wait for Renee to pick up the phone, that you have to call her? She should be calling you! She should be sending you telegrams and care packages stuffed with homemade oatmeal cookies! And peanut butter biscuits! You shouldn't waste another minute chasing her around like some third-rate gigolo. You're better than that! In the chess game of life, Tom, you are a king, not a pawn. At the very least a bishop.

I've gotta go now. I'm hanging up.

That's alright with me, Troy, but don't forget: there are millions of fish in the ocean, but only a few thousand submarines. ...And also, Murphy's Downtown Pub and Eatery is having a special on onion rings. Goodbye, Terrence, and Godspeed.


Old Man Benjamin - Poor Ol' Ra (Pica Beats cover) by seamonsters

Congratulations graduates

To all my friends graduating this month, congratulations.

The real world is a deep ocean, and there is oil leaking into it (topical reference!), and also there are sharks and deep-sea mines. Look out!

Today there is a lot on my to-do list. Job applications, here I come. Is anyone out there listening?

This one goes out to Conrad. Wherever he is with his big, goofy headphones and his Walkman. At some point he was listening, and he's probably listening now to someone who needs to be heard more than I do.

Old Man Benjamin - Two Headed Boy (NMH cover) by seamonsters

If you can read this

I'm leaving my current job at the end of June. Victim of the nefarious Downsizing. Bummer.

On the upside, I'm getting pretty good at racquetball again. Any takers? Anyone? Anyone?

Old Man Benjamin - Fire Alarms by seamonsters

Sorry I've been absent lately

I've been on a tear living real life. A lot has happened, but the basics of my life remain unchanged. I'm still trying to be a good person, etc.

I've also taken to heart something that Kumari once talked about - it's the idea of creative diversity. I'm probably mangling it all up, but I think she told me once that she goes through creative phases where she'll draw or paint for a while, then get into some music and songwriting, then perhaps go through a phase of writing or craft-making, but the general idea is to mix it up. It keeps your creative juices flowing in different directions, prevents you from getting too stagnant or repetitive, and each of these outlets can influence and maybe magnify the others.

So in the intervening time I've been writing a lot more. I started a short story, two humorous pieces about the law and a letter to future generations, which serves as sort of a handbook/introduction to being a person on Earth. I don't know that I'll finish any of them, but they're really helping me to sort out some ideas, each in their own way. With luck I'll be able to share one or more of them with you.

I'm also trying to learn more from the people around me. Not that I ignore them usually, just that there are certain times when I find that I'm able to pay better attention (the attention they deserve?). Seeing my brother this weekend helped with that. His life is a reminder that doing good things for the people you care about will always pay dividends later. So do good things for the people you care about. Life is short, don't hold back, make it count.

With that in mind, this song is for my sister from another mister: Sara.

Ben 'n Meredith - On a Freezing Chicago Street by seamonsters

It's a Margot and the Nuclear So and So's cover, and it's got a lot of elements that remind me of a certain New Years Eve we spent at a Margot concert in Chicago this past winter.

In other, more pressing news, I'm running out of space on SoundCloud. That means I'll either have to upgrade to a paid subscription or find a different place to store my musics. I've got probably one or two songs' worth of space left, so it's a problem I will surely have to solve soon. Any suggestions would be very welcome.

This is what you get for sending me music (for JON)

Earmuffs!




I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE THIS THING THE RIGHT SIZE.

For Perrine

 Hello all.  Sorry I haven't written lately.  Not a lot has changed on my end.  I had a crazy couple weeks.  As a character on cable TV might remark, stuff got real for a minute there.  I wish I had more time for music, but I got distracted.  Sue me.

No, don't sue me.  Listen to this music.

Today's recipient of the dubious honor of being mentioned on my blog is... Perrine!  Congratulations!

Old Man Benjamin - Butterfly (Weezer Cover)  by  seamonsters 

Getting around to it

I suppose it had to happen eventually, but it probably doesn't happen often enough.  This one is for Marion.  It's been one of my favorite songs for a long time, probably the most romantic of my long-standing favorites.  In my opinion, one of the most romantic songs.  I'll quit rambling and throw up a crappy cover played on an out-of-tune guitar.

Old Man Benjamin - Pamphleteer (Weakerthans cover)  by  seamonsters

This song is for

Someone.  Edward Lawson.

And Meredith's brother, whoever he is, wherever he is.

   Quiet as a Mouse (Margot cover)  by  seamonsters


Not enough birthdays lately, a lot of running around.  Ask me, I'll give you the skinny..

I know I know

What did you expect? That I'd be able to keep on posting? Every day or three? Forever? I'm no Pete Lloyd. I just don't have enough songs in the bank for that sort of endeavor.

Are any of you on Facebook? I guess some of you probably are. If we're friends on there, then you can pretty well guess that I have a hard time taking social networking sites seriously. Taylor knows it as well as anyone.

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you my latest adventures in abbreviated humor.  I've been doing birthday wishes, Ben-style.  That last part is meant to be pronounced with  attitude.  BEN-STYLE.  Yes, anyway - the first one was for Meredith.  I posted this on her Facebook wall because Facebook told me it was her birthday, but I was just getting my feet wet.  The Facebook wall became my canvas, and bizarre scenarios became my paint, and I was painting with a brush made out of happiness.  Here's number 1.  She's a vet student; I figured I'd keep it topical.

On this day, many thousands of years ago, the world was blighted with a terrible curse. Unspeakable horrors have since plagued this planet, causing untold destruction and suffering. Then, roughly twenty five years ago, MEREDITH V. ADAMS arrived. Armed with incredible super powers and a better than average IQ, as well as VETERINARY SKILLS, she has endeavored to rescue our ailing planet from the forces of evil. Stay tuned and watch as MEREDITH V. ADAMS battles tyranny and VARIOUS ANIMAL SICKNESSES this week on... Meredith's Birthday.

 

Yeah, I know what you're thinking.  Not all that great, right?  Well, I figured I could do better with my next one, now that I had a rough goal in mind: to make your Facebook wall worth reading on your birthday.   All those boring people going "happy bday, bro."  Ugh.  I wanted to make it more epic and fantastical.  So I threw this next one at Dan.

 

One day each year, three things take place in very rapid succession. 1) At exactly 7:05 a.m., the sun rises; 2) At exactly 7:12 a.m., Daniel Dickson puts on his coat and steps outside to mass euphonious adulation and uproarious cheering; and 3) Daniel Dickson removes his jewel-encrusted ermine shawl, points his scepter at the newly risen sun, and allows life on earth to continue for one more year. Praise be to Daniel this day.

Getting better, yeah?   Well, the next birthday was Ted's.  Ted is the sort of guy that I know, but I don't really know.  So maybe a more cautious approach?  NO.

 

Ted, I'll be honest. There's a rumor afloat that you were actually born today, 65 years ago. According to my most trusted sources, you somehow unearthed an ancient legendary art that prolongs the youth of its practitioners, effectively tripling or even quadrupling lifespans. Ted, you must SHARE WITH US YOUR SECRET TECHNIQUES. There are whispers about that the arcane practice involves employing UNBUTTONED BLAZER JACKETS and the COMPLETE ABSTINENCE FROM TRADITIONAL NECKWEAR, as well as METICULOUS MAINTENANCE AND FERTILIZATION OF THE CHEST HAIR FOLLICLES. This is a matter of urgent importance, Ted, as there are many who would use your life-extending practices to improve the planet for generations to come. Some day, with your help, we will stand proudly, overlooking our peaceful and prosperous new civilization and, with our chest hairs dancing lightly in the breeze, we will thank Ted Brassfield. 

I'm not sure what Ted's real friends made of this "birthday wish."  I haven't seen Ted in a couple years, so I hope he appreciates the spirit in which that mini-masterpiece was written.  I'd like to keep writing these when the mood strikes me.  If your birthday is coming up, just let me know and I'll see what I can come up with - it's cheaper than jewelry and better than some Hallmark cards (not really).  Here's my most recent, which I posted yesterday on Perrine's wall:   

Hey Perrine! Welcome to being twenty-three! You know, recent research has revealed a lot about what our bodies go through as we age. Specifically, and I don't know if this is true in your case, but my childish and oversized feet have already begun the slow process of shrinking down toward my eventual adult hoofs. I...'m sure you've noticed your spine curving forward as your front limbs grow less and less dexterous, paving the way for your quadripedal later years. You know you're really getting old when your thumbs begin to reposition onto your forearms and slough off, am I right! Anyway, you won't have to think about that for at least another few months. In the meantime, enjoy the taste of meat while you still can (it no longer holds much pleasure for me, though I still eat it occasionally), use those toes while you still have 'em, and have a safe and happy birthday :)

 

Well that's all I have for now.  What's new with you guys?

It's the WEEKEND!

Let's kick it off with a love song. For all the romantics out there.

Millionaire Girlfriend (Jonathan Coulton cover) by seamonsters

A pair of covers

Life as a new attorney can be challenging. I sometimes feel like I'm caught between gaining new and valuable experiences by getting my feet wet and wading in over my head. Still, I can't complain. Life has been good so far, and I'm starting to see the world differently as a working adult. I suppose I've become more boring to most people, especially my friends still living the college life. I go to bed around 11 and wake up at 7. I go to the Y after work, and I buy groceries every couple weeks.

The big news tonight was that I bought some frozen food. It opened up a whole new world to me, standing there in the freezer section at Jewel Osco, perusing the pre-made meals. I've never really bought anything besides frozen pizza before, so it was a revelation to me that they make food for people in my exact situation. When I get home from the gym it's really tough not to just watch an episode of Mad Men, eat a can of tuna and an apple and go to bed. Am I still writing about this?

My apologies for not recording too much these past few days. I broke a string two weekends ago, and I haven't replaced it yet. Is that symbolic? Anyway, I threw together these Shins covers without the high E string. It'll have to do for now. It's time for a sea change.

Old Man Benjamin - Gone for Good (Shins cover) by seamonsters

Old Man Benjamin - Past and Pending (Shins cover) by seamonsters

MANIFESTO

Despite how things may appear, I’m awfully undeveloped in the more technical aspects of singing. I can do the following things passably well: 1) make up a melody, 2) sing a melody somebody else made up and 3) badly mangle any harmony I come in contact with. Which is why for years I’ve been hoping for two things: either I’d get rich enough to buy something like this, or I’d come across a person who was better than I am (NOT DIFFICULT) at singing harmonies.

As luck would have it, I met such a person in Jason Ayers two years ago, who not only is better than I am (again, NOT DIFFICULT), he’s downright excellent. He seemed to have a natural range that fell somewhere around +7 notes above mine and whenever we sang together things just fell into place. The universe (I) was pleased.

Then he moved to Philadelphia, and I started thinking more seriously about picking up some audio equipment. That thing I linked to up there is a serious piece of machinery with some really crazy features and it might be fun to try it out. But then I met Meredith. Watch (or listen to) this:

Ben and Meredith - Wagon Wheel 3 Part Vocal by seamonsters

She easily outperforms the machine (tagline for a sci-fi movie?). To compare her to that thing would undersell her gift for crafting new and creative harmonic lines that run parallel to the existing melody. She sent me two non-overlapping harmonies within a few weeks of learning Wagon Wheel, and she recorded them both in one evening. Last time I was challenged to learn a new song, it took me, well, too long. Certainly I wasn’t writing new harmonic parts, well, ever.

What’s even more exciting is that Meredith is on board now with the Virtual Band Project idea. This is the fulfillment of a musical vision I’ve been trying to make real since I left Bloomington. I want to create a musical workshop where I can pass around files to share between as many people as would like to contribute. A virtual band, if you will. The recording of that song Front Porch had some element of that, but I’m just now getting the pieces into place to make this all happen. So here’s my hope (however unrealistic) for the future of this enterprise:

- To create and manage a website supporting the goals described herein
- To figure out a way to add drums into the mix
- To get more musicians involved, I’m looking at you, Jason, Jake and Smitty
- To eventually organically create a fully orchestrated and integrated piece of music, whether an original or a unique take on a cover
- To get you (the reader) to listen to it
- To leverage your listening into monetary gain, musical acclaim, and countrywide fame
- To support research that leads to the creation of a fully functional robot that has feelings, which can do my laundry and dishes
- I hate laundry and dishes

So here’s a teaser taste of what’s been going down over the past 24 hours. If you’re a musician, download this (or any other of the songs on here) and add a part. AND GET EXCITED!

Seamonsters - Quiet as a Mouse, Teaser version by seamonsters

This is the story

Many of you know that I “cut my teeth” musically on the open mic scene.  One of the coolest things I think I ever did was to just set up some recording equipment at one of these gatherings.  In Valpo a few years back I managed to acquire some of the most interesting audio files I’ve ever had.  I also have one from an open mic I helped organize at the honors dorm in Florida.  The problem was that I could never manage to get a good recording of myself, since I was on stage and had to trust somebody else to set the levels (which they never managed to do properly).  Even so, it was well worth it.  I only ever stopped because some of the people got worried that I was going to steal their tunes or misuse them somehow.  I never really imagined that would be an issue, but I have a lot of respect for peoples’ rights to do what they want with their music, so I cut it out after only recording one or two.

My history with home audio recording has been long and difficult.  For some people it comes naturally.  For me, well, let’s just say that I’ve learned the hard way that the simpler equipment works best for me. 

I’m in a bit of a “going back to roots” phase right now.  Here’s a classic Decemberists song that I re-worked a few years back to fit my acoustic style.  It’s a bit of a tribute to those years when the only people who could hear me were the ones who happened to be in the coffee shop at the time.  I like the sort of intimate vibe of that, and I try to carry it with me.  Enjoy.

Old Man Benjamin - Red Right Ankle (Decemberists cover) by seamonsters

Rock'n'Roll

Work has picked up a lot.  I always seem to forget how little I know about the law until something falls from the sky and onto my desk that I've never seen before.

Being an attorney is tough at times.  I think there's a perception that we're invulnerable, some species of calculating machines with huge reserves of secret, society-shaping information.  And while it's true that we've had some education on rules that govern how people can interact, I tend to think of lawyers as just better-than-average readers.  That's the great majority of my job.  Reading, and being as sure as possible that when I give an opinion, it's worth the money people pay for it.  Which is rarely easy, though I can't say I don't like it.

Working within the legal system, it's also easy to forget how people feel when they enter a courthouse, often for the first time.  It's scary.  It was nerve-wracking for me for a long time before I got the used to the flow of the system, the reassuring clockwork that describes the rhythm of the setting of dates and the hearings of Very Important Matters.  These are things I hope not to forget, things I hope not to take for granted. 

I'm studying up on Qualified Domestic Relations Orders.  If you say that ten times fast, you may fall asleep at about the 4th go-round.  Still, they're important.  And if you ask me about them, we can have a chat about why that's the case, though we should have the conversation at a coffee shop with a couple cups of espresso just to be on the safe side.

Here's a little musical caffeine to wake you up.

Seamonsters - Wagon Wheel 2(OCMS) by seamonsters

P.S. Is there any use for this particular "talent" I have? I've been annotating my friend Taylor's Facebook profile pictures even long after he's moved out to California. Taylor, I apologize in advance, but I doubt anyone on the Internet has ever heard of you. Take it as a compliment that I'm posting your pictures all over the web.  Here are some examples of my prowess:

Despite his lack of any formal education, the out-of-work Abercrombie & Fitch model made a steady stream of income testing the toxicity of various household cleaning products. "Needs more lemon," he coughed after quaffing a shot of Windex's Easy-Clean: All-Purpose De-Greaser.

As the unsuccessful Justin Timberlake impersonator begins to question his vocation, he flees into the mountains to reflect. Can I, too, truly bring sexy back? Seated around a campfire one night, the pieces begin to fall into place. He forms a half smile and thinks: Yeah, yeah I can.

"Toss me the rock!" the half-submerged kayaker from the Blue Team exclaimed. Little did he know that an opposing player from the dreaded Red Team had painstakingly created a rock that was the exact size and shape of a volleyball. As the deranged kayaker hurled the deadly object at the unfortunate man wearing the number 12 he cackled inwardly, "Perhaps that young gentleman will be more careful about his choice of words next time."

Feel free to submit your own versions.  Taylor is a somewhat understanding individual, and he is perhaps in need of an unrealistic assessment of how the world perceives him.  AND this is a healthy way to passive-aggressively poke fun at those more beautiful than you.

Heck, while I'm at it, here's another song we recorded this past weekend.  We're all friends here, so put on your headphones and have a chuckle about my attempts to play the electric bass.  This is just a rough draft, an idea for a cover of a really good song.  We'll make it better later, for sure.

Seamonsters Mass Romantic (Rough New Pornographers cover) by seamonsters

Revolutionary Resolutions?

I almost forgot to share with you my favorite part of New Years!  It's that time of year when we can all resolve to do things we will generally forget to do.  Predicting the future is a gas, fun for all ages, not for the faint of heart, etc, etc. 

Most years I manage to scrape together a few generic talking points.  Maybe I'll record a pearl of wisdom or two, depending on how the oyster of life has treated me.  This year I'll share 3 goals I'm hoping to achieve in the next few months:

1. I've got to make myself valuable at work and in the Kankakee community generally.  This is a new thing for me - up until this point in my life, I've mostly had a sort of indifferent relationship to the community in which I live.  Sure, there have been people who were important to me, but it's time for me to get my name out there and see what I have to offer.  If for no other reason than that it will help pay the bills.
2. I'd like to finish up the Banquets and Bars CD.  I'll give you a taste of what we're twerking with down below, but that's a big goal that has taken far too long to come to fruition.  I'll be happier when I've got half a dozen of those things just waiting to sit in an attic somewhere, only to be discovered and cherished by a later generation.
3. Finally, what I really want is to find a balance where I can continue to express creativity but still make money and lay the groundwork for my adult life.  Maybe you all can help with that, but I'm still feeling out how to walk that line.

Anyway, enough seriousness.  Here's a fun song.  Also, what are your goals for the next few months?


Banquets and Bars - Paul Theroux by seamonsters

Weather, Traffic and Transit update

It is snowing like a MADMAN outside.  I'm not sure how mad men in your area snow, but out here they apparently snow to the tune of about an inch an hour.  Yeah, like that. 

It makes going to court wearing a thin yet comfortable and stylish suit quite a bit less pleasant.  And why are you wearing nice shoes?  You knew it was going to start crazy-person snowing.  What?  You don't have any different shoes?  It's because of people like you that the weather's so bad.

Right now I'm watching a HUGE snow plow push snow around a parking lot.  Some people, like myself, had to get to that parking lot and park their cars in it before he even got there.  Which probably makes that guy (or gal, I suppose) pretty angry.  Clearing off parking lots would be about a million times easier if there weren't any cars in them.  Also, if the snow didn't keep falling and ruining the nice beautiful asphalt paths.  But then, such is life.  We wear nice shoes.  We wear beautiful thin suits, and we clear off our parking lots studded with cars driven by people who have chosen to park in the least convenient center spots and we plow around them.  At least we have an enormous plow, and we can be thankful for that.

Tomorrow the following exciting things will happen, if my luck holds:

1. Thanks to the long-winded helpfulness of a man named "Stacey," Sears will deliver to my home a new bed.  This bed will be the first proper bed which I can call my own, and will replace the thin futon mattress on which I presently sleep.  I am very much looking forward to a restful night's sleep.
2. The INTERNET will arrive.  Oh, how I have awaited this day.  I hope I don't need to tell you that with better access to the old 'net, I can bring you songs and updates more frequently, even though I probably won't do either of those things.  BUT I COULD, and that's the whole point. 
3. Weather permitting, I'll take a quick jaunt down I-57 to Champaign-Urbana.  I left some stuff back there, specifically my racquetball equipment, a fair amount of clothing, and some odds and ends to make life easier in the modern world.  If you're lucky I may have time to do a recording with the old Jakemeister.  (Jagermeister?)
4. On Saturday, weather permitting, my brother returns to our home town from Overseas, so I'll be looking forward to that. 

Good things are happening on this snowy day in January.  

Here's a weird old video I made back when I just started making YouTube videos.  It's nothing spectacular, just a cover of a song I liked.  The preview makes it look like I've just been poked in the lower back with a taser.  By Friday I should be able to make some new songs and/or videos with new ridiculous poses.  Peace, and stay warm, America.



 

New Year

Welcome to a new decade, everybody!  We made it! 

Here's a gift for everyone who reads this, just for playing along.  You can now download all the music you find on this blog, with only the click of a button!

Check this out - the little music players have a small downward-pointing arrow that should, in theory, allow you to download any of the songs I've posted using Soundcloud.  Unfortunately, that won't help you download the YouTube videos, but I'll do what I can to make that an option somehow in the future.  So go back and browse through the postings - I've updated them all, I think.  If there's anything missing or broken, please let me know.  I did my best to make them all downloadable, but I may have skipped on accidentally. 

In other news - it's a different year.  2009 was tough, but it's behind us now.  This song has been a MANTRA in the past, and it may serve as one again.  This is the decade during which I will come of age.  As witnesses, it's your job to observe and comment.  Money is also appreciated.  Give a listen.

Jason rocks, and I am, occassionally, a sepia toned John Darnielle.