Wrong Number

I had a guy call in today with a wrong number. I've attempted to transcribe it below. In real life it was a little shorter than this, but this is how I wish it had gone.

Ring!

Hello?

Hello, is Rose there?

And what's your name?

I'm Anthony, is Rose around?

I'm sorry, Anthony, she isn't. And I'm sure you must have suspected when I answered just now, just by the sound of my voice, that you had dialed the wrong number. But you forged on ahead anyway. That's one of the things I like about you, Anthony: you're a go-getter. You knew the likelihood of success wasn't high, but you took a chance. So what if it didn't pay off? Maybe the next number you dial will be Rose's, and maybe Rose will tell you she's ready to leave her husband and marry you. Isn't she worth the pain of a brief and bewildering monologue from a stranger?

What? I think I'm going to hang up now...

That's the way to take charge, Antonio. You sound like a strong-willed sort of person. Like that lion from those Narnia movies. I can tell from the commanding tone in your voice that you know what you want and you're going to get it. And by God if it means looking up Rose's number in the phone book, then that's just exactly what you'll have to do! You've no time to waste wondering if maybe Rose gave you the wrong number on purpose, hoping you'd never call and find out. It's entirely possible that she knew that changing just one tiny digit would direct your call to Murphy's Downtown Pub and Eatery, but that's not the kind of world you're living in, Andy. You're in it to win it.

O-okay...?

And what's more, I'm starting to think that at this point Rhonda doesn't even deserve you. I mean, Goddammit, Tony, haven't you worked hard? Haven't you stayed up working the night shift just to be able to afford what I'm assuming is a long-distance call? Where does anyone get off telling you that you have to wait for Renee to pick up the phone, that you have to call her? She should be calling you! She should be sending you telegrams and care packages stuffed with homemade oatmeal cookies! And peanut butter biscuits! You shouldn't waste another minute chasing her around like some third-rate gigolo. You're better than that! In the chess game of life, Tom, you are a king, not a pawn. At the very least a bishop.

I've gotta go now. I'm hanging up.

That's alright with me, Troy, but don't forget: there are millions of fish in the ocean, but only a few thousand submarines. ...And also, Murphy's Downtown Pub and Eatery is having a special on onion rings. Goodbye, Terrence, and Godspeed.


Old Man Benjamin - Poor Ol' Ra (Pica Beats cover) by seamonsters

Congratulations graduates

To all my friends graduating this month, congratulations.

The real world is a deep ocean, and there is oil leaking into it (topical reference!), and also there are sharks and deep-sea mines. Look out!

Today there is a lot on my to-do list. Job applications, here I come. Is anyone out there listening?

This one goes out to Conrad. Wherever he is with his big, goofy headphones and his Walkman. At some point he was listening, and he's probably listening now to someone who needs to be heard more than I do.

Old Man Benjamin - Two Headed Boy (NMH cover) by seamonsters

If you can read this

I'm leaving my current job at the end of June. Victim of the nefarious Downsizing. Bummer.

On the upside, I'm getting pretty good at racquetball again. Any takers? Anyone? Anyone?

Old Man Benjamin - Fire Alarms by seamonsters

Sorry I've been absent lately

I've been on a tear living real life. A lot has happened, but the basics of my life remain unchanged. I'm still trying to be a good person, etc.

I've also taken to heart something that Kumari once talked about - it's the idea of creative diversity. I'm probably mangling it all up, but I think she told me once that she goes through creative phases where she'll draw or paint for a while, then get into some music and songwriting, then perhaps go through a phase of writing or craft-making, but the general idea is to mix it up. It keeps your creative juices flowing in different directions, prevents you from getting too stagnant or repetitive, and each of these outlets can influence and maybe magnify the others.

So in the intervening time I've been writing a lot more. I started a short story, two humorous pieces about the law and a letter to future generations, which serves as sort of a handbook/introduction to being a person on Earth. I don't know that I'll finish any of them, but they're really helping me to sort out some ideas, each in their own way. With luck I'll be able to share one or more of them with you.

I'm also trying to learn more from the people around me. Not that I ignore them usually, just that there are certain times when I find that I'm able to pay better attention (the attention they deserve?). Seeing my brother this weekend helped with that. His life is a reminder that doing good things for the people you care about will always pay dividends later. So do good things for the people you care about. Life is short, don't hold back, make it count.

With that in mind, this song is for my sister from another mister: Sara.

Ben 'n Meredith - On a Freezing Chicago Street by seamonsters

It's a Margot and the Nuclear So and So's cover, and it's got a lot of elements that remind me of a certain New Years Eve we spent at a Margot concert in Chicago this past winter.

In other, more pressing news, I'm running out of space on SoundCloud. That means I'll either have to upgrade to a paid subscription or find a different place to store my musics. I've got probably one or two songs' worth of space left, so it's a problem I will surely have to solve soon. Any suggestions would be very welcome.

This is what you get for sending me music (for JON)

Earmuffs!




I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO MAKE THIS THING THE RIGHT SIZE.

For Perrine

 Hello all.  Sorry I haven't written lately.  Not a lot has changed on my end.  I had a crazy couple weeks.  As a character on cable TV might remark, stuff got real for a minute there.  I wish I had more time for music, but I got distracted.  Sue me.

No, don't sue me.  Listen to this music.

Today's recipient of the dubious honor of being mentioned on my blog is... Perrine!  Congratulations!

Old Man Benjamin - Butterfly (Weezer Cover)  by  seamonsters 

Getting around to it

I suppose it had to happen eventually, but it probably doesn't happen often enough.  This one is for Marion.  It's been one of my favorite songs for a long time, probably the most romantic of my long-standing favorites.  In my opinion, one of the most romantic songs.  I'll quit rambling and throw up a crappy cover played on an out-of-tune guitar.

Old Man Benjamin - Pamphleteer (Weakerthans cover)  by  seamonsters

This song is for

Someone.  Edward Lawson.

And Meredith's brother, whoever he is, wherever he is.

   Quiet as a Mouse (Margot cover)  by  seamonsters


Not enough birthdays lately, a lot of running around.  Ask me, I'll give you the skinny..

I know I know

What did you expect? That I'd be able to keep on posting? Every day or three? Forever? I'm no Pete Lloyd. I just don't have enough songs in the bank for that sort of endeavor.

Are any of you on Facebook? I guess some of you probably are. If we're friends on there, then you can pretty well guess that I have a hard time taking social networking sites seriously. Taylor knows it as well as anyone.

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you my latest adventures in abbreviated humor.  I've been doing birthday wishes, Ben-style.  That last part is meant to be pronounced with  attitude.  BEN-STYLE.  Yes, anyway - the first one was for Meredith.  I posted this on her Facebook wall because Facebook told me it was her birthday, but I was just getting my feet wet.  The Facebook wall became my canvas, and bizarre scenarios became my paint, and I was painting with a brush made out of happiness.  Here's number 1.  She's a vet student; I figured I'd keep it topical.

On this day, many thousands of years ago, the world was blighted with a terrible curse. Unspeakable horrors have since plagued this planet, causing untold destruction and suffering. Then, roughly twenty five years ago, MEREDITH V. ADAMS arrived. Armed with incredible super powers and a better than average IQ, as well as VETERINARY SKILLS, she has endeavored to rescue our ailing planet from the forces of evil. Stay tuned and watch as MEREDITH V. ADAMS battles tyranny and VARIOUS ANIMAL SICKNESSES this week on... Meredith's Birthday.

 

Yeah, I know what you're thinking.  Not all that great, right?  Well, I figured I could do better with my next one, now that I had a rough goal in mind: to make your Facebook wall worth reading on your birthday.   All those boring people going "happy bday, bro."  Ugh.  I wanted to make it more epic and fantastical.  So I threw this next one at Dan.

 

One day each year, three things take place in very rapid succession. 1) At exactly 7:05 a.m., the sun rises; 2) At exactly 7:12 a.m., Daniel Dickson puts on his coat and steps outside to mass euphonious adulation and uproarious cheering; and 3) Daniel Dickson removes his jewel-encrusted ermine shawl, points his scepter at the newly risen sun, and allows life on earth to continue for one more year. Praise be to Daniel this day.

Getting better, yeah?   Well, the next birthday was Ted's.  Ted is the sort of guy that I know, but I don't really know.  So maybe a more cautious approach?  NO.

 

Ted, I'll be honest. There's a rumor afloat that you were actually born today, 65 years ago. According to my most trusted sources, you somehow unearthed an ancient legendary art that prolongs the youth of its practitioners, effectively tripling or even quadrupling lifespans. Ted, you must SHARE WITH US YOUR SECRET TECHNIQUES. There are whispers about that the arcane practice involves employing UNBUTTONED BLAZER JACKETS and the COMPLETE ABSTINENCE FROM TRADITIONAL NECKWEAR, as well as METICULOUS MAINTENANCE AND FERTILIZATION OF THE CHEST HAIR FOLLICLES. This is a matter of urgent importance, Ted, as there are many who would use your life-extending practices to improve the planet for generations to come. Some day, with your help, we will stand proudly, overlooking our peaceful and prosperous new civilization and, with our chest hairs dancing lightly in the breeze, we will thank Ted Brassfield. 

I'm not sure what Ted's real friends made of this "birthday wish."  I haven't seen Ted in a couple years, so I hope he appreciates the spirit in which that mini-masterpiece was written.  I'd like to keep writing these when the mood strikes me.  If your birthday is coming up, just let me know and I'll see what I can come up with - it's cheaper than jewelry and better than some Hallmark cards (not really).  Here's my most recent, which I posted yesterday on Perrine's wall:   

Hey Perrine! Welcome to being twenty-three! You know, recent research has revealed a lot about what our bodies go through as we age. Specifically, and I don't know if this is true in your case, but my childish and oversized feet have already begun the slow process of shrinking down toward my eventual adult hoofs. I...'m sure you've noticed your spine curving forward as your front limbs grow less and less dexterous, paving the way for your quadripedal later years. You know you're really getting old when your thumbs begin to reposition onto your forearms and slough off, am I right! Anyway, you won't have to think about that for at least another few months. In the meantime, enjoy the taste of meat while you still can (it no longer holds much pleasure for me, though I still eat it occasionally), use those toes while you still have 'em, and have a safe and happy birthday :)

 

Well that's all I have for now.  What's new with you guys?

It's the WEEKEND!

Let's kick it off with a love song. For all the romantics out there.

Millionaire Girlfriend (Jonathan Coulton cover) by seamonsters