Wrong Number

I had a guy call in today with a wrong number. I've attempted to transcribe it below. In real life it was a little shorter than this, but this is how I wish it had gone.

Ring!

Hello?

Hello, is Rose there?

And what's your name?

I'm Anthony, is Rose around?

I'm sorry, Anthony, she isn't. And I'm sure you must have suspected when I answered just now, just by the sound of my voice, that you had dialed the wrong number. But you forged on ahead anyway. That's one of the things I like about you, Anthony: you're a go-getter. You knew the likelihood of success wasn't high, but you took a chance. So what if it didn't pay off? Maybe the next number you dial will be Rose's, and maybe Rose will tell you she's ready to leave her husband and marry you. Isn't she worth the pain of a brief and bewildering monologue from a stranger?

What? I think I'm going to hang up now...

That's the way to take charge, Antonio. You sound like a strong-willed sort of person. Like that lion from those Narnia movies. I can tell from the commanding tone in your voice that you know what you want and you're going to get it. And by God if it means looking up Rose's number in the phone book, then that's just exactly what you'll have to do! You've no time to waste wondering if maybe Rose gave you the wrong number on purpose, hoping you'd never call and find out. It's entirely possible that she knew that changing just one tiny digit would direct your call to Murphy's Downtown Pub and Eatery, but that's not the kind of world you're living in, Andy. You're in it to win it.

O-okay...?

And what's more, I'm starting to think that at this point Rhonda doesn't even deserve you. I mean, Goddammit, Tony, haven't you worked hard? Haven't you stayed up working the night shift just to be able to afford what I'm assuming is a long-distance call? Where does anyone get off telling you that you have to wait for Renee to pick up the phone, that you have to call her? She should be calling you! She should be sending you telegrams and care packages stuffed with homemade oatmeal cookies! And peanut butter biscuits! You shouldn't waste another minute chasing her around like some third-rate gigolo. You're better than that! In the chess game of life, Tom, you are a king, not a pawn. At the very least a bishop.

I've gotta go now. I'm hanging up.

That's alright with me, Troy, but don't forget: there are millions of fish in the ocean, but only a few thousand submarines. ...And also, Murphy's Downtown Pub and Eatery is having a special on onion rings. Goodbye, Terrence, and Godspeed.


Old Man Benjamin - Poor Ol' Ra (Pica Beats cover) by seamonsters